I decided that I wouldn't write everything that I felt, but I've been thinking about this for a couple of days, and I think writing it down will get it out of my head. I think one of the harder things is that as foolish as it may sound, I must have really saw a future in us, as reflected in the gifts I purchased him. Many of the gifts were for him, I would definitely say that, but at the same time, they were to be enjoyed in the future, in the presence of a family. This probably explains my visceral response to have him throw all my gifts away, which I hope he has. I would love to ask him, but I know no communication is the best kind of communication.

On a similar note, I realize I don't have to explain my actions, but I know for several months, I blocked my blog from outside viewers, because I was really embarrassed, probably more ashamed or scared that he would read what I had to say about him. For him to know that for over a year, I've been trying to cut off contact, and to realize how miserably I failed? I didn't want to be judged, and once I said it, I feared I wouldn't be able to take it back, whatever "it" could be; I feared regretting so much, that I hid the reality from myself. But now, I really feel free, and I don't fear being transparent anymore. I'm not going to put up all these barriers to communication, because I have some confidence that deep down, I know how to take care of myself. Time is an amazing therapist.