this is true:

I am completely over you. I don't know how it happened so quickly but it feels absolutely amazing.

As clarification, when I saw the elephant that I knitted for you in your car, ready to give back to me, I felt so hurt. Yes, I had wanted you to throw it away, but when it came down to it, I was sad to see that you didn't care about me. And then, back at your apartment, you threw it with your recycling, and I begged you not to throw it away. But what does it matter now? If anything, I regret making it for you, and having memories of the pattern with you attached to it. Well, what's done is done. Also, I use to pride myself when you told me how different I was from M. But maybe that isn't so great because the truth is she broke your heart and you're still pining after her. As for me? I'm just a stupid girl who made some bad choices.

Things that are weird about me that I never thought were that weird:

1. I can't stand the word panty, unless you're lying in bed with me and talking dirty.

2. I love having a twin sized bed. If you're sleeping with me, it just means we get to be extra close. If I'm alone, then I don't have to feel as alone.

3. I am very fond of the name Sofie and Jack, maybe to a fault.

4. I don't drink coffee. I'm not a huge fan of the taste, but I hate having to add sugar and milk to make it taste good. Why can't I order it already tasting great?

5. I like Bingo--actually I love Bingo.

6. I set an alarm that tells me to go to bed at night.

7. I brush my teeth around 7 PM every night so I don't eat anything else after dinner.

8. I don't want to change my last name when/if I get married.

9. I am a hopeless romantic, which I'm not too proud of. To me, it means I'm simple, foolish and idealistic. I don't want to be seen as naive and simple-minded.

this is true:

I never want to feel as sad as I did this afternoon. Something has got to change.

This is true:

In class today, we learned how to give feedback. The formula is "when you do [this], it makes me feel [this way]." I couldn't help but laugh to myself.

This is true:

I wrote a letter, got out the envelope and stamps, reread the letter, and realize that I didn't really need to send it. I just needed to write it.

Good to know.

I decided that I wouldn't write everything that I felt, but I've been thinking about this for a couple of days, and I think writing it down will get it out of my head. I think one of the harder things is that as foolish as it may sound, I must have really saw a future in us, as reflected in the gifts I purchased him. Many of the gifts were for him, I would definitely say that, but at the same time, they were to be enjoyed in the future, in the presence of a family. This probably explains my visceral response to have him throw all my gifts away, which I hope he has. I would love to ask him, but I know no communication is the best kind of communication.

On a similar note, I realize I don't have to explain my actions, but I know for several months, I blocked my blog from outside viewers, because I was really embarrassed, probably more ashamed or scared that he would read what I had to say about him. For him to know that for over a year, I've been trying to cut off contact, and to realize how miserably I failed? I didn't want to be judged, and once I said it, I feared I wouldn't be able to take it back, whatever "it" could be; I feared regretting so much, that I hid the reality from myself. But now, I really feel free, and I don't fear being transparent anymore. I'm not going to put up all these barriers to communication, because I have some confidence that deep down, I know how to take care of myself. Time is an amazing therapist.

This is true:

Last night I watched "Say Anything" and a line from the movie resonated with me, "And one more thing - about the letter. Nuke it. Flame it. Destroy it. - It hurts me to know it's out there." (Also a scene from "Say Anything" is referenced in my favorite SP episode, "Raisins", click here for the clip)

A couple of nights ago, I was having a little trouble falling asleep, on account of my cold [although I do believe my cold is over now(!)]. As I laid in bed, I thought back to ~2 weeks ago, frustrated, feeling completely defeated talking to you on the phone in my living room. I asked you, "do you..." but I didn't really know how to finish my thought. You interjected and said, "what, miss you?" It sounded accusatory, almost that I was being ridiculous to suggest a thing (which I wasn't). And for that second when those words came out, I never realized how much I wanted that to be true; the idea that you would miss me. It caught me off guard and I felt so vulnerable that you didn't say "I miss you" but merely, "miss you?" and it would make me so flustered.

This is true:

I cried this evening, and it made me feel better.

Despite waking up at 7:30 this morning, I can't say I was very productive today. Although I did have a breakthrough moment this afternoon. I think I need to realize that the time has passed, and I really need to see this as a part of my past. More importantly, I need to start living my life the way I use to--independently. I know I use to be really happy being by myself. I miss that feeling of completeness with myself.

this is true:

sometime back in November, I wrote that kissing you no longer feels the same. I don't know if it's true or not.

this is true:

there is so much i want to say, so much i want to tell you. but it wont get us anywhere so i wont try to contact you and you wont need to respond and we can realize that something amazing almost happened but almost doesn't count

I find it interesting that you don't want to talk to me (took me off your phone, took me off your buddy list), hardly call (only "returning your call"), and yet you're hung up on reading my blog. Doesn't make a lot of sense. And no, you're not getting access to the blog. Because I talk about you here. And while in general most of the thoughts are tame and censored, I'm sure I'll write something that you don't need to read.

Honestly, if you can admit that you know you can't be nice to me, there's really not much more I can do. Just breathe and let go. Breathe. Let go.

I called home on the New Year, and spoke with my dad. Usually when my parents call, I only talk to my mom. I was really happy to hear that my dad's voice sounded stronger, louder. The first thing I wanted to do when I got off the phone was call and tell you. You were the one person I wanted to share that news with. Pathetic, isn't it?

Last night as I laid in bed, I realized that the best thing I can do for myself is just move on. Realize there is no good in thinking about "what if's" and "how it use to be". At the end of the day, it was never meant to be anything.

seriously, HOW am I so fucking stupid? It's fucking amazing to me that I'm so fucking stupid. Just amazing.

this is true:

I find that my most vulnerable time of the day is around 10:30 P, right after I've decided to quit studying for the night, and am just laying in bed, trying to figure out what to watch on Hulu. But the truth is, I have no expectations. For the first time, I have absolutely no expectations, no hopes, no desires. Just the knowledge that I will pass through this, and one day it will be part of my past. And as optimistic as it seems, I hope I can look back and not judge myself, but rather accept what happened and realize that I still have a lot of growing up to do. Three years ago, I decided that I needed to lead my life for myself, not for anyone else. And then I lost sight of that, miserably getting entrenched in something that overwhelmed my ego. Now I find that I'm rediscovering what it means to be me. I'm excited to see what this new year will bring.

and (completely unrelated)

I have the simultaneous desire to live on a farm AND NYC and play Scrabble in the evenings. Too bad a dog can't play Scrabble.

(this was a long "this is true")

this is true:

"i hope someday i might be able to love someone"

Since I've started school, I've had a lot less time to look at other blogs, but I always find myself checking out Le Love. Is there comfort knowing that some anonymous someone feels the same way you do? Click here for the entry.

Remember, "if you're so smart to figure out i'm in a bad mood, just leave me alone."