this is true:

Last week I was looking for an email between Ray and I about him not being my keeper, and I came upon this from Nov of 2006. Maybe that was a sign that we should have never dated. Oh well, live and learn: "is the phrase 'i wish i knew how to quit you' familiar to you at all?"

this is true:

I am not confident enough in myself to trust my heart with you again. I remember at my last breakup, I thought constantly that we would get back together. But fortunately this time, I don't have that thought in the back of my head. Rather I know that it ended. The end, nothing further to think about.

I know I don't care about you anymore. And I would even tell you this, if I thought it would make a difference. But it won't, so I'll just keep it to myself. So, why then when I email you do I get a knot in my stomach when you reply. Maybe I am just amazed at how blind I was to your games. Because there is something. Something that makes me respond to your emails. Something that makes me write you emails. Something that pulls me still. And it isn't the hope of a friendship, the dream of marriage, the prospect of a future together. There is none of that. Maybe I'll figure it out. Or not.

this is true:

I'm sick. Again. Ugh.

This is true:

March 27, 2009: I want to see you today. I promise I will try very hard to behave. I need to give you a hug.

this is true:

I wrote this last week: "I wanted to hold your heart forever. To give you all the pain that you have made me experience." I need to let go of this anger. Right now.

this is true:

I am completely over you. I don't know how it happened so quickly but it feels absolutely amazing.

As clarification, when I saw the elephant that I knitted for you in your car, ready to give back to me, I felt so hurt. Yes, I had wanted you to throw it away, but when it came down to it, I was sad to see that you didn't care about me. And then, back at your apartment, you threw it with your recycling, and I begged you not to throw it away. But what does it matter now? If anything, I regret making it for you, and having memories of the pattern with you attached to it. Well, what's done is done. Also, I use to pride myself when you told me how different I was from M. But maybe that isn't so great because the truth is she broke your heart and you're still pining after her. As for me? I'm just a stupid girl who made some bad choices.

this is true:

the phrase "hot mess" rubs me the wrong way. I don't think people should use that phrase.

This is true:

Saturday night as I was leaving your apartment, you said to me "I think you think I'm the one." I'm still trying to decide if you're right or wrong.

this is true:

I never want to feel as sad as I did this afternoon. Something has got to change.

this is true:

I am stressed out, or anxious or nervous--my stomach is telling me so.

This is true:

In class today, we learned how to give feedback. The formula is "when you do [this], it makes me feel [this way]." I couldn't help but laugh to myself.

This is true:

In Public Health today, we watched this video. Brings me back to middle school-yeah to Schoolhouse Rocks. I couldn't agree more with the title of this video!

and

I inhaled a whole bag of Food Should Taste Good Sweet Potato Chips--absolutely delicious

and

I wanted to go swimming this evening, but I'm dreading the idea of plunging into chilly water--I might have to reconsider AGAIN

and

I'm enjoying these salted caramels before I hit the gym this evening--I definitely work out so I can eat in peace!

This is true:

I wrote a letter, got out the envelope and stamps, reread the letter, and realize that I didn't really need to send it. I just needed to write it.

Good to know.

this is true:

I absolutely love falling asleep to the sounds of a thunderstorm outside.

(I remember the summer of 2005 (I think), it constantly thundered, but barely rained or experienced lightening, which is interesting since thunder is the sound produced by lightening. It was absolutely fantastic to be homebound, taking a nap to the sound of thunder)

this is true:

I need to give up bagels, at least for the summer. (I think that's a reasonable goal--no bagels until September!)

This is true:

Last night I watched "Say Anything" and a line from the movie resonated with me, "And one more thing - about the letter. Nuke it. Flame it. Destroy it. - It hurts me to know it's out there." (Also a scene from "Say Anything" is referenced in my favorite SP episode, "Raisins", click here for the clip)

this is true:

I love the soft hum of the typewriter underneath my fingertips.

(reminds me of that summer that I typed diligently on my typewriter every day and spent all afternoon at the library in Quincy Center)

This is true:

I cried this evening, and it made me feel better.

this is true:

Sudoku: 8:37 :)

consumed this weekend: 2 soy chai's, 2 creme filled krispy kreme donuts.

this is true:

sometime back in November, I wrote that kissing you no longer feels the same. I don't know if it's true or not.